Everything Men Know About Women

By Bruce Lindsay

I was at the book store recently and saw a book entitled “Everything Men Know About Women.” I picked it up…It was full of blank pages. I understood the humour, but I thought, surely we know something.

I’m going to tell you everything I know about women.

I’ve been married 14 years. I really didn’t know anything for sure until I got married. Even then it wasn’t until I had a daughter. And even then it wasn’t until she started to talk. When I was kissing her goodnight, she’d said, “Dad, your breath is bad.”
I learned something about women. They have a good sense of smell. I should have known this before. If I ask for a show of hands of who used mouthwash today, I’m sure it would be mostly women. Even the men who use it don’t buy it. They use it because their wife tells them to.

Men don’t have a good reputation as far as changing diapers. This is because of the amazing sense of smell that women have. A woman will wake up in the middle of the night and smell that a baby needs a change. A man, should he wake up in the night, might not smell anything, and if he does, will only think to check to make sure it’s not coming from him. Then happily go back to sleep.

Women buy air fresheners, scented candles, scented soap and scented body wash. Men don’t notice those things. Women will try a new body wash, and ask their husbands if they like it. “It’s coconut lime! I never thought those two could make such a great combination. Do you like it?”

As men, we say, “I do. It’s nice.” I’m never sure if our wives really believe we like it, or if they know we can’t really smell the difference between any of the scents, or if we just don’t care. But I think they know we want them to be happy. Ladies, don’t be angry. It’s not our fault. We’re different. We don’t have the same sense of smell. Men buy deer urine to scent their clothing when they hunt. They trust the supplier that it really is deer urine because they can’t really tell by the smell. Without the disguise of deer urine, men know, deer would smell them coming a mile away.

I hate to generalize. Not all ladies have a sense of smell. A friend of mine named “George” married a girl named “Sally” who had no sense of smell at all; some kind of birth defect. I never realized the implications. Their house smells like a man’s house – if you know what I mean. You’d never know a woman lives there. We had them over for a visit after their first child was a year old. The toddler smelled bad. It needed changing. George’s wife didn’t know. No sense of smell. George didn’t seem to notice.

My wife noticed first of course. She asked me to help her in the kitchen. She asked me what I was going to do about that stinky child. She said, “I can’t understand why Sally wouldn’t change her!” I reminded her that Sally has no sense of smell. I said, “I’m sure, once George notices, he will change the diaper or tell Sally. If I say something, I’ll just embarrass her.” We left it at that.

Two hours later, my wife had reached her limit. She marched the toddler upstairs, grabbing the baby bag on the way. She gave the baby a bath, scrubbed her clean from head to toe. She came down 20 minutes later with a clean child. George looked at the child suspiciously. I’m not sure he recognized her.

As my son grows into a teenager, we finding it a struggle convincing him he needs deodorant. I see the future and it smells bad. A bachelor pad – three piles of clothing, clean, slightly dirty and dirty… In the bedroom, dirty sheets on the bed, sweaty sports equipment strewn across the floor. He’ll need to get married (just like his father and many other men) to learn to make washing and keeping clean part of a daily routine.

The other thing I know about women is that they have a deep resolve that they can call upon to get through the toughest times. My daughter spent a week with her aunt and uncle when she was 7. Before that she had only stayed for one night away at the most. I was worried. I thought it might be too long and she’d get homesick. I’d have to go pick her up in the middle of the night. They live an hour away. She assured me that she’d be OK.

She was.

She told me, “After the first night, when I was lying in bed, I’d feel homesick and cry. But then I remembered that it was my decision to come here. So I just said to myself, “Suck it up Princess” and went to sleep.”

Little boys don’t do that. They’ll cry until their parents come for them. They’ll cry all night. Girls have something in them that makes them resolve to stick to their decisions. They’re able to see beyond the problems and focus on the goal. How else would women go through child-birth? Or decide to get married to a soldier during a World War? Or try to keep a house smelling clean?

That’s why as men, we need to choose our battles. If you can see that your wife has made it a goal to keep the house smelling clean, it won’t matter what you do, it will be clean. Forget about it boys. The sooner you start to clean the toilet and pick up your socks, the sooner you will have peace and move forward with your own personal goals.

That’s about it. That’s all I know for sure about women. That is, until my daughter teaches me more.

Resource
Everything Men Know About Women
http://www.amazon.com/Everything-About-Women-Truly-Basic/dp/1895854024