My Computer and Me

My computer…
The first sign there was trouble happened when my computer froze. The screen was still there with all the photos that I was working on and the program that held all the photos was showing. The mouse had stopped working and the keyboard would not make anything happen either. I tried a “Ctrl, Alt, Del” trying to force the machine to respond. Normally that would make the computer tell me what was taking place – offering me the list of programs that should be running – and/or – not running. But nothing was going to make that happen either. My little laptop that had served so well was frozen solid – not from cold but from over use.

It was not yet totally dead – but getting close. It was more like a “computer tiredness”. It had worked so hard and done so much that its little memory was just plugged full. In distress it was crying in front of me… “I have had ENOUGH… please no more!!! Pleeeease!!!?” No, you couldn’t see any tears or hear anything. The only reaction was silence.

I shut it off manually by holding the button. Even that took some extra time. Then it was still. I waited for a little while hoping the pause would help.

It did. When I booted the laptop again it sprung to life. The screen looked normal and the sounds that should be coming from its little speakers did so. I think I saw it smile.

I attempted to open the same photo handling program and a new white, warning window popped up… saying something about the fact that the computer was too full and it needed to have many or some of the programs removed before it could do any more. Okay… now I understand. All it had to do was tell me. Yet instead of telling me it simply broke down and locked up – not letting me go any further.

To help you computer friendly people understand… I had been working on already large photos that I had uploaded to my machine. As I worked more and more on each one I had increased their size with more and better special effects. Right under my finger tips I had created many hundreds of more Megabytes of size for each photo – until the maximum was reached. There was no more room. The little computer was simply stressed out and had to unload a few things…but it could not do that alone… or even tell me.

In the end of this small crisis I was able to store many Megabytes on a storage device for photos and by doing that I relieved the stressors for this little friend of mine.

To be honest I had noticed that many of the programs had been slower over the days before the final freezing. Now it is somewhat better and working much more close to normal.

And Me…
It was about the same time as my laptop freezing up that I froze up as well. I was doing a huge series of heavy things mentally and spiritually. At the end of a 10 day stretch I was moving much slower and not doing real well. I didn’t even see it coming. Then I crashed – locked up – froze – just like my laptop. I had done too much and too much had been passed my way. It was over… and I was done.

I wanted to cry and even scream… but nothing would come out. I just sat there with no desires and no ability to go further. I was like my little laptop computer. I couldn’t even tell anyone what was wrong. So someone had to shut me off.

Many have asked me why this Blogspot isn’t updated at times. They have wondered if something was wrong. I usually mumbled, “No I was just too busy…” I wanted to write and wanted to post… but I was locked up way down inside.

This past week was another one of those spells where my system shut down. In a 10 period of time I had prepared two sermons and worked on another three. Lots of thinking… lots of reading… lots of meditation. Then in the same period of time I conducted FOUR FUNERALS. It was at the end of the fourth funeral that my screen froze up. I couldn’t do another thing. I was mumbling and even felt a little numb. The though of another sermon and having to deliver it this coming Sunday was almost more than I could imagine. ENOUGH… enough “Megabytes” of mind stuff… ENOUGH!

So I did the same as my little laptop computer… I locked up…shut off… and waited. Then I realized that it was time to unload and whole lot of stuff to gain back the equilibrium that was so desperately needed.

Leading funerals is heavy. Finding your own brokenness and then suppressing it is professional but stupid. Doing that four times in 10 days is impossible. I was grieving with each and every family member… four times over.

I remember when my own dad had passed away that it took me weeks before some of the feelings that were normal came back to me… now it was as if it was happening four times as much. No wonder my own computer slowed and then finally froze up.

The Answer…
Stop…
Listen…
Feel…
Rest…and do nothing…
Sleep…

I stayed away… for three days straight… from everything.

Now the days are more normal feeling. But I yawn a lot. I have made some better choices and laid the “Saviour Syndrome” on the shelf for a while. I can’t save anyone… I have quit some things and let the feelings come to where they should be.

I cried too. That felt real good. The grief that I was carrying flowed smoothly and the soothing of what should be flooded my being.

Am I okay now… no not likely 100%... but much better.

Why write about this…?
I think that there are some other ‘friends’ of mine that live close to this edge as well. There are pastors that read this and identify. There are some none church people that know what I mean too. It isn’t just pastors like me that die inside from time to time.

A simple formula I have learned through this has been important to me. I need more rest or pauses between the crisis times. For every four hour intensive I need at least an hour away. A “four to one” is very good… but when there are greater than the normal intensives… I need greater than the normal recovery times… in fact I may have to shut down completely.

After very heavy phone calls… I step aside and walk outside. I CANNOT SOLVE the problem that I just listened to… God can… BUT I cannot. What a freeing thought that is. I cannot take away the pain that the family is feeling… God can… That rhythm is vital to my ongoing life and survival.

No I am not perfect and I often find myself at the same place over and over again.

My Computer and Me are doing much better.

~ Pastor Murray Lincoln ~