Getting used to Freedom

His raspy voice told us all that speaking was difficult. Then he picked up his guitar and began to sing. The song was good and clearly described the heart feelings he was dealing with. As his finger ran over the guitar strings the music came easily. It was easy to see that he has talent – but not the strength that was needed now to continue. His voice faltered again and then he humbly said, “I can’t sing any more”. The cancer in his lungs is moving rapidly and singing, that he so enjoys, is soon to be no more.

His name is Mike. Two weeks ago today Mike walked out of a Federal Prison as a free man. The Parole Board saw fit to grant him full parole – not just the compassionate parole that he had requested. After eight years inside of prison for his crimes he had paid in full the debt that he owed society.

Mt. Cashel Orphanage, St. John’s Newfoundland had been one of his many homes while in his custodial sentences. It was one of many times he would be held against his will and in payment for societal debts. In fact Mike has lived inside of custodial places for 34 of his 47 years. He went into the Orphanage at 13 and then continued going to jail after he was forced out of Mt. Cashel. The priests that ran this place couldn’t handle Mike any longer – neither could society on the outside. This very angry young man would be lashed out at and would also lash out at others. Eventually his worst sentence would take place at 39 years of age as he graduated to the Federal Prison System – Correctional Services Canada.

With his raspy voice Mike described in a short outline his life of pain. Then he arrived at the present as he described the feelings and struggles with freedom. He shared how he has not yet got a hold on the idea that he is really free. The freedom from five “counts” per day is apart of being able to be free.

For eight years he had to make sure that he was back in his cell to be counted five times per day. That is almost 14,600 times he had to be countable. From wherever he was inside of the prison ground he had to be ready to be counted. After all the greatest fear inside of prison is that he, and all the others, might escape. There is also fear that he might hurt himself and/or commit suicide. No one would allow that to happen on their watch – it wouldn’t look good if a bad guy dies and someone might hold you responsible as a guard.

14,600 times to be in fear that you might not make it to your cell is a lot of fear – and mental conditioning. If he didn’t arrive at his place to be counted he would suffer further by being locked up in an isolated way – 23 hours alone with no privileges at all.

The other day I met another man that has lived in prison for 27 years – he has done this ‘count-ability’ thing for 49,275 times and continues to do so five more times each day.

Now walk out of prison – FREE and have no more counts to attend to… how would you feel? Have no one looking in to see if you have hurt yourself now – and then no one cares outside it would seem. But having no one care or check on you as part of freedom is frightening. What if something happens to me? Being alone is now a threat. Having cancer and being alone is bad enough but add to that the weight of not being able to ‘enjoy your freedom’ is not understood by everyone else around you.
As we listened to Mike tell some of his story he said something that will ring in my ears long after he is gone from this life. Mike’s words were, “It is as if I have a hole in my heart.”

I know from my work in the wood shop that I can drill holes in wood. The bit will go clean through. I can take a sharp chisel, and with a mallet, cut a hole through even the hardest wood. I purpose to make a hole.

It has taken purpose of the harshness of life to make a hole in Mike’s heart. The hole was not made with any planned accuracy from what I can see but rather torn through the living soul of an unaware human being. The huge tragedy is that the first horrific ripping of the soul took place long before he was 13 years old – it was just that at 13 they could no longer handle him and there was no place else to put a bad boy. So he was thrust into a crippling system run by ‘Christian Brothers’ and called Mt. Cashel Orphanage – one of Canada’s worst nightmares of child abuse by men in positions of trust (read all about it with the links below).

An attentive group of volunteers with the Peterborough Community Chaplaincy(PCC) sat listening to Mike share for the first time. Some shook their heads slowly as they listened to Mike’s raspy voice and his story. Many of these folk will be there to help fill that ugly hole in his heart with a little love as the cancer closes down his life. They are foolish enough to believe that love can make a difference – imagine that!

Added weight…
The one part of Mike’s story that sticks in my own heart is a recent tragic turn. Inside of prison Mike found out that his brother had died of cancer. He had heard the account of his brother’s sickness and the steps that his body had gone through as the cancer worsened. Within a short few weeks Mike began showing signs of something being wrong inside. Mike complained of his weakness and put in reports to request to see some medical personnel about his physical distress. Counselors that talked with him suggested quickly that his feelings he was having inside were due to his brother’s death. He would get over it with time. Death of an inmate’s family member while he is inside of prison is terrible to cope with – everyone knows that. “Mike, you will get over it.”

Mike couldn’t sing at chapel anymore – the discomfort was growing and it just hurt too bad. For almost four months he grew worse. Further requests brought a visit from a Psychologist that was there to help him move past his ‘grief’.

Then one day in the workshop where he worked he collapsed. A guard standing nearby saw it happen. I believe a nurse came to offer assistance and in a few moments it was decided that Mike was worse than they all thought. Within a very short time he was diagnosed with an advanced cancer that was taking his life. The advancing cancer had its way and galloped through his body with no arrest – just because the fact that “official-dumb” wouldn’t listen. To them he was just another complaining offender that would do anything to avoid his duties of serving his time like everyone else.

Guess what – law suits are possible against Correctional Services Canada. Whether Mike lives long enough to be able to get some satisfaction with what has happened…is not something anyone can predict now. CSC may be safe from any litigation. Just one more soon to be dead ex-offender… One less person to count... Let’s move on now.

That part of the story leaves a hole in my heart. It is ripped open by the stupid actions of ‘official-dumb’.

“Hey Mike… you got a friend in me… and I don’t care what anyone thinks about it. Hang in there little buddy.”

~ Pastor Murray Lincoln ~

NOTE:
Do a “Google” search using Mt Cashel Orphanage and it will yield about 10,900 possible web sites to read – here are some of the top ones to look at.

http://www.mountcashelorphanage.com/

http://archives.cbc.ca/IDC-1-70-1951-12676-11/on_this_day/disasters_tragedies/twt

http://www.cbc.ca/canada/story/2003/04/11/orphan_newfoundland030411.html

ALSO look at
Peterborough Community Chaplaincy