Bruce Lindsay – The Best Undertaker in the Business

With the New Year 2008 in our grasp now – we are all making resolutions I am sure. We all want to become the best that we can be. We all want to try harder and be better than we have been last year.

I am presenting one special account today from a guy that I know better than any of my other community connections. He is a great man to know well… and keep on the good side – always showing him my best side(hopefully). He is my son-in-law and I am proud of him! He presented me with my very first grandchild – a grandson Clifford! He is also a Funeral Director…who in the end I will be using to take care of me and make me look my best!

The following article is written by my son-in-law, Bruce Lindsay. It is on the lighter side. Believe it or not... some of these things actually happen.

I hope you enjoy this as you plan to become the best that you can be this 2008 year.

~ Pastor Murray Lincoln ~

The photo below is the great staff at Comstock Funeral Home. The man that is second from the left - back row - is MY SON-IN-LAW BRUCE LINDSAY. I am shouting now - HE IS THE BEST! When you die - ask for him....

Bruce Lindsay – The Best Undertaker in the Business
By Bruce Lindsay

Every job you do becomes your own self portrait. Autograph your work with excellence!

In a recent funeral arrangement, I asked a man what his father did for a living. He answered, “Dad was a poultry apprehension technician, same as me, and the best in the business!”

I like that kind of talk. I thought, “I don’t know what a poultry apprehension technician is, but I know who I’m going to call if I ever need one!”

I’m the best Undertaker in the business. And I’m going to prove it to you.

When I meet with families, I spend a lot of time with them. I help them through the most difficult gut-wrenching painful time of their lives. By the time I’m finished with a family, we’re very close. They begin to treat me like I’m part of the family. Other funeral directors receive ‘Thank You’ cards. My families give me their stuff…

“What size are your feet Bruce, I’m guessing a 12? How’d you like old Dan’s rubber boots? He won’t be needing them anymore.”

I say, “Sure. I wear rubber boots… and I wear a size 44 suit…”

You should see my new/used suit! It looks marvelous!

Another benefit is free flowers, anytime I want. Although my wife doesn’t seem to appreciate flowers the way she did before I became a funeral director.

My trick is to promise BIG! And then deliver on all that I promise. Take the body. Many people don’t really think an undertaker can make a body look good. I can and I do! I ask specific questions about how someone should look and I deliver beyond anyone’s expectations.

• “Can you make Mom look thinner?” – Yes


• “Dad’s lost a lot of weight, can you add some weight to him?” – Yes


• “Can you make dad’s hair thicker?” - Yes


• “Can you make Mom look younger? – “How’s 10 years?”


• “Can you shave Dad’s beard?” – Yes


• “Can you shave Mom’s moustache?” – Yes


• “Can you make dad smile?” – Yes, although that actually looks weirder than you'd think...


• “Can you make Mom sit up and play the piano?” – Whoa! Hey now! Just a minute... What song?

You say you’re not convinced. You say other Undertakers get free clothes and make bodies look great. OK. Where I stand out is my wisdom, empathy, and creativity.

An old man died, and I arranged the funeral with his wife. She didn’t know how she was going to pay for the kind of funeral she wanted, and was distraught. I gave her some payment options and helped her keep things in her budget but she was still going to be in debt for this funeral. I walked her to her car and she gave me her husband’s pillow. “He always wanted this pillow to be buried with him.” She told me.

I’ve seen a lot of weird stuff, so a pillow didn’t seem out of the ordinary. This pillow didn’t seem very special. It was old and flat. You might not know this but to make a pillow look really nice and puffy in a casket you can unzip it and add some extra stuffing. When I opened it, I found money. This pillow was stuffed with CASH-MONEY! I counted it. There was over $7000!

Later that day the woman came in with some pictures and things. I sat her down and explained what I’d found. She was overcome with emotion. “How could he do this to me? Why would he keep that money from me?”

I calmed her down and reasoned with her. I said, “It’s your money. You can use it to pay the funeral bill.”

She said, “That’s ridiculous! I can’t take it. It was his dying wish! He must have felt that wherever he’s going he’ll need that money.”

I thought about it for a moment. Then I said, “Why don’t you deposit the money in the bank and just write him a cheque?”

She was overjoyed. You know what she said to me? “Bruce Lindsay – you are the best Undertaker in the business!”

And you know what I said? - “You’d better believe it.”